Joke

Bob was in big shit with his wife bc he forgot his anniversary again. So she told him that tomorrow morning that there better be something new in the driveway that goes 0-60 in under 6 seconds or theres going to be hell to pay. Next morning he left for work as usual and when she looked out the window sure enough was a box gift wrapped on the driveway. Confused by the size of the box she opened it and there it was....a brand new bathroom scale.

lol

:Nandy:

omg i loved it

ADULT's ONLY!
A Louisiana businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what?'
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis.'
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband immediately bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to send it back to its box!
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got a Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!

lmao (just for further investigation wonder if they actually make them) Shad said he could not find me a christmas pressy

lolololol

Santa bought me a Sweater and a Dildo for Christmas....
So i sent him a letetr asking why he sent me a dildo...
He replied, If u dont like the Sweater GO FUCK YOURSELF

LMAO

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and the tuth fairy were walking down the street. There was a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Who picked it up?

The dumb blonde, the other two dont exist.

ROFL! i love em all

and barsi you really think putting ADULTS ONLY will stop me and malt from reading it?

'I'm gonna be in so much trouble when I get home, it's sooo late.' says a drunk guy to a barman.
'Np.' says the barman, 'just sneak into the bottom of the bed and pleasure your wife orally, she will forget you are late home.'
So the guy goes home, sneaks upstairs and creeps under the covers at the bottom of the bed and does the deed. Afterwards he has a funny taste in his mouth so decides to go brush his teeth.
He gets to the bathroom to find his wife already there.
'What are you doing in here?' he asks.
'Oh, we're sleeping in the spare room .' she says, 'your grandma paid a surprise visit so I decided to let her sleep in our bed.'

A biker is approached by a prostitute in a bar.
'fancy doing something exciting?' she asks.
'pfft, i already did.' he says. 'only yesterday i was riding at 120mph, passing the traffic by riding the white line whilst cars were coming towards me. I was pulling wheelies, standing on the seat, weaving in and out of the traffic, one hand on the handlebars, whilst waving at everyone as I passed. Everyone was looking at me.'
'ok, let me put it another way.' she sighs, unbuttoning her blouse, ' how would you like to feel a really big tit ?'
'pfft, I already have.' he replies, 'when I fell off.'

three old ladies at a tea dance.
'and now ladies and gentlemen,' says the announcer, 'some Country and Western'
'eh, who's on next?' says one slightly deaf old lady,
her friend leans towards her and shouts 'some c**t from Preston.'

A primary teacher is looking at her class's drawings.
'Whats that?' she says to jenny.
'Its a moo moo' says Jenny.
'Nono, we use grown up words now'. says the teacher, 'it's a cow'.
she moves on to sarah, 'that's nice, what's that?.' she asks.
'It's a baa baa'. says Sarah.
'Ah ah, grown up words please.' says teacher, 'Its a sheep'.
She moves on to billy who has drawn an orange bear in a red T shirt.
'And who's that Billy? she asks.
Billy looks up and says 'Winnie the Shit .'

Pred wrote:

and barsi you really think putting ADULTS ONLY will stop me and malt from reading it?

Nah, that was for getting your attension ....

lol

Three Albertans were working up on a cell phone tower in Alberta, Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" "Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Beer you are."

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

NIce ones